Hands Tied, and Pushed Into the Deep End

Boy is life hard lately.

I work three days a week, have class five days a week, a girlfriend, and a shitload of projects on my table. I have little time for friends (I haven't seen any of my closest friends from last semester but a few times since September). And financially, I'm strained.

Today, I worked 8 hours, then had a two-hour meeting immediately following that. I'm exhausted. All I've had to eat is fucking bran muffin and half a thing of shrimp picante soup that made me gag during my lunch break. There's next to nothing to eat at my place. None of my roommates contribute anymore it seems.

More than that, save for probably Francisco and Andrew--Andrew because it's like he doesn't exist anyway, my roommates are starting to really get on my nerves.

Kyle just doesn't do shit except play World of Warcraft, watch episodes of The Office over and over, and blasts his music. And don't get me wrong, I loooove The Office, and we even have similar music tastes. I just hate waking up to his annoying voice trying to sing some song that he's had on repeat for half an hour.

Charles I've noticed recently seems to be semi-permafried. But he's also proving to be shady as fuck. The other week or so, Loretta and I were asleep in my bed when Charles came snooping up the stairs at, no shit, 5 am. Loretta saw him looming over my desk and stealing some of my pot. As soon as he knew he had been seen, he froze. I mean, what the fuck.

Francisco was the only one who has really improved in my book over time. Yeah it's weird how old he is, and it seems like he has a secret crush on Loretta, but he's straight with me and he let's me use his shit if I ask. Moreso, however, his grievances appear to be my grievances. Last month, he flipped out on Charles for using his shit without asking. I guess he also had seen Charles going though HIS shit in the middle of the night as well. At first, I thought he was overreacting. Not the case.

Anyway, I'm pretty much just venting my frustrations here. It's been a while since I've written anything.

I'm done for now. Sorry for the weak sauce.

Playing Catch Up

It's been five months since I've written. My bad.

But to be honest, it's been a fairly turbulent five months. And I don't mean that in a bad way.

Summer, to say the least, came and went. But it was awesome, nonetheless. I arrived in Seattle mid-May after the single worst airport experience ever. I had anticipated that it would be hard to transport all of my shit back up from my dorm, so I sent at least five or six packages. Yet that still wasn't quite enough. My friend and fellow Motion Pictures & Television major, Mike accompanied me to the BART station with my luggage. Unfortunately for him. We straining as we dragged my overstuffed bags downhill. Once I finally got to the Oakland Airport (thanks to some miracle from God), I was drenched in sweat and ready to pass out. Oh, and my plane ended up being delayed a couple hours.

However, the universe tends to balance itself out and I was rewarded with a great Summer amongst friends and good movies. I left my job at the theater after a couple weeks, reluctantly. I couldn't afford to commute half an hour north to work at a job for minimum wage when it cost over $4/gallon for gas.

I started working almost immediately at Circuit City, which is within walking distance from my house, with my buddy Kyle, whom I go back all the way to sixth grade with. So basically my Summer consisted of work, getting high, avidly watching Keith Olbermann WHILE getting high, drinking, backyard bonfires, occasionally writing, and seeing a shit-ton of movies. And on the latter note, there was not a single goddamn movie that I saw in theaters that I did not like. Easily the best Summer for blockbuster movies in my young adult life. Of course the pinnacle of those would have to be The Dark Knight, which I've seen a total of eight times to date (not counting the number of times I've watched bootlegged on my friend's PS3).

So now I've been back in San Francisco for a little over three weeks, and things seem to be adjusting fine. I no longer live in a dorm, but in a loft with four other guys. It's a mixed blessing, because it's incredibly spacious, but it's a little farther from my other friends and the school buildings. I also don't have a meal plan, but I have a fully decked out kitchen, digital cable, and some cool ass guys for roommates.

I also have a girlfriend. Her name's Loretta, and although we haven't even been dating two weeks, we've been growing ever so close. And I'm loving every bit of it. We started getting to know one another online before going on a date and hitting it off, to say the least. It's fresh and exciting and we both seem to want the same things.

I've also started work at the Virgin Megastore of San Francisco. I'm doing pretty much the equivalent to my job at Circuit City--product flow and processing--only at Virgin it's much more laid back. I get to dress casually, and listen to any CD I want to while I work. And believe, you come across a shitload of good music when sorting through boxes of CDs. I get my first paycheck Friday, thank God.

Oh, and that reminds me! Taylor, Grant, and Vagelis moved down from WA. Taylor and Grant are going to my school, while Vagelis was just looking to uproot his life and start anew. It's pretty exciting, although they're having difficulty finding a place. Still, it makes life easier having friends from home here.

And speaking of school, it's going well so far, although I've felt a little sick the last couple of days. Ever since I quit smoking a week ago, my chest has felt kind of congested. I have no clue if it's at all related, but I'm making the connection. But going back to school, it looks like I'm in a for a hard semester. Unless I change my availability at work (which I'm strongly considering), I have not one single open day in the week. I have class five days a week, as opposed to two last semester. And I work four days a week. In addition, the workload for class is greater. I have to actually start filming stuff starting Saturday and edit it the final week. So yikes! Although it's probably good for me to be pushed this way.


SO...I guess that brings us up to date. I promise that my next blog will not be a mere summary of events.

Until next time, good night...and good luck.

Sugar Mountain

Last night, my roommate and I were discussing childhood. We both realized that we couldn't piece together one single day from anything longer than 10 years ago. I remember bits and pieces of course, but it's weird not being able to pinpoint a date and time (birthdays not included). Especially for me--remembering dates are my strong suit.

I remember going into surgery when I was 3. I think that's my earliest memory. I remember arguing with my stepmother that I was 3 years old on my 4th birthday. I remember bits and pieces of kindergarden. I remember my first day of private school . . . and my first day of public school. I remember camping and ball games and theater experiences. But in most cases, I can't remember what happened in what year, let alone a single, full day. It sucks when you really think about it.

Anyway, I didn't sleep at all last night, thanks in part to my roommate for putting me in a downer mood. I kinda think I'm regretting it now. I gotta say, however, there's something exciting about walking around the city alone around 4 a.m. I ended up stopping at a Starbucks and doing some writing. I can't believe I only just now found out that brewed coffee only costs $.50 when you bring your own mug. I'll never be uncaffeinated again.

I thought about skipping my first class today, Intro to Producing, to sleep. It's a make-up day, and I'm not behind on any assignments. However, I chose to write a blog instead.

I can't say things have gotten any more interesting over here. After you live in the city for, say, about six months, nothing's that interesting anymore. Not even seeing someone put out a cigarette on a bum's forehead. Not even seeing someone taking a shit in the middle of the sidewalk. And not even when you see someone dancing around naked at city hall.

I find my apathy growing the more I live out here. I've gone from feeling sympathy for the homeless people on the street, to outright ignoring them--if I didn't, I'd be out of change and cigarettes every time I went from my place to class.

I don't say this to rag on San Francisco, or city living in general for that matter. Sometimes though, living here does makes me feel like too much of an adult. Anyone that knows me well enough, knows that I'm not exactly eager to grow up. I believe they call it the Peter Pan complex.

I just have to keep promising myself that I'll still act like a child when I'm 60. For better, or worse.

;)

With haunted hearts through the heat and cold

We never thought we could ever get very old

We thought we could sit forever in fun

Our chances really was a million to one.

Anxiety

Ugh. So the closer it gets to the end of a semester, I notice I get more ancy to be back home. Having so little to do around here in SF makes me about ten times more anxious.

I want to drive my car. I want to hang with my WA friends. I want to sleep in my bedroom. I want some Dick's.

Also, the fact that people I've kind of grown apart from (Brittany, Stevie, Amber) have started talking to me about wanting to hang out . . . it's fucking KILLING me.

Lately, the real challenge has to been to find ways of fighting off boredom. I feel like I'm in the Big Brother house. I've been going on long walks around the city just to get some air and see the sky. Last night, I rubbed shoulders with all the creeps and pervs of the city for the better part of two hours, just out of the desire to not be at my apartment.

Anyways, this blog is really nothing but a rant.

Peace.

When you call for help when you are lost

Forevermore at whatever cost

And the world will begin,

Exactly how it ends.

Generation Gaps

So, I turned 20 last week, and how things have already begun to transform in my life.

My sister had a baby on the 9th--a day before my birthday. For some reason, I've felt very estranged from my family--particularly my dad, sisters, and stepmother. I'm rarely on the phone with them anymore, and it's a bit of a bummer. Looking at pictures of my nephew, I think that needs to change.


I decided to end an intimate relationship I had kept with a girl down here in California. I was very reluctant to let this girl, Nataley, go for now, but it felt necessary. Her dad died shortly before we met, and I should've expected no less for her to be at a crossroad in her own life. I was glad to be a source of comfort for her. But I feel too strongly for her to want to sustain a long-distance relationship. On top of that, I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I know where I'm going and I know what I want. Naturally, she is in the process of figuring that out for herself. And while I would be glad to have a future with her, it's been increasingly apparent over the last few months, that she needs to find herself. And I can't help her do that.

Strangely enough, a day or two within me ending that, an ex-girlfriend--Amber is her name--re-emerged in my life, quite unexpectedly. It's been nice to sort of reconcile things with her. Things ended badly last Spring, to say the least. Ever since, I've resented the hostility I showed toward her when she was living at my house. In retrospect, while neither of us were completely innocent, a lot of that relationship's meltdown had to do with my own insecurities. I had a constant need to measure myself up to the other men in her life, mostly when we weren't even dating. I had, in a sense, been asking her to apologize for incidents that were not only beyond my control, but became before and/or after our relationship. While I can't say for sure what will come of talking to her now, it's been pleasant just to move on from all those bad memories.


Beyond this, I've become something of an insomniac lately. Not only thanks to conversations that seem to last into the break of dawn, but I've been slaving away at writing outlines and all kinds of other bullshit, hoping that something sticks, and survives the incubation process.

Right now, I'm mostly focusing on the period piece. It's sort of a personal horror film for myself. Set in 1968, it deals with two guys who hope to escape the realities of being drafted into Vietnam by going to Canada. Intertwined is the story of a former World War II POW who lives a reclusive life, disillusioned by and unable to relate to the counterculture period going around the world. Both stories converge in the end when he decides to show these two draft dodgers the horrors of war himself. Think Takashi Miike's Audition combined with the Coen brothers' Fargo in terms of tone and structure. At least that's what I'm aspiring to.

While writing it, I've found that I'm sort of going on the journey with these characters myself. I'm writing this because I've had it in my head since senior year of high school, where I was dealing with some serious questions myself--Am I coward? being a primary example. As someone who once vocally and even pompously supported the Iraq War, why wasn't I signing up to enlist? Granted, I made a few trips to the recruitment office my junior year. I still never strongly considered fighting for the so-called convictions I had.

I've struggled writing this for the above reasons. I find myself trying to answer that central question, even to this day, where my personal and political views tend to conflict with one another at times. I'm often uncomfortable in my own skin, and in away, writing this is helping me sort out what I believe in, which is more important to me right now than figuring out how and when I'll ever try to actually get this film made.

I've received a lot of indirect help from my English Comprehension class. Pretty much since the class has started, we've been working on autobiographies, and then workshopping eachother's in class. Each week we spend three hours picking apart two students' work. Intentionally or not, this has been an interesting way of getting to know my classmates. There's no more than fifteen students in this particular class, so the personal attention helps as well. The teacher also provides a kind of bohemian atmosphere, which I suppose is expected at a San Francisco art school. These autobiographies, at times, read like confessionals. It's fascinating how much empathy I feel toward these other students whom I rarely talk to outside of class. In class, we pin-point the narrative archs in everybody's life story. The teacher gets us to the core story of everyone's life. It's very slice-of-life, and very inspiring.

In addition, I've been emersing myself in the 1960's counterculture. From reading interviews with major figures of the period, to watching documentaries on Bob Dylan, to hearing about the Summer of Love and the changes our country faced in the wake of JFK's assassination and the escalation of the Vietnam War. Whenever I do a little bit of research, I find that I'm kind of shaken up afterward. I find it interesting the parallels that period has to right now, and also the contrasts that living in the information age brings.

I've been studying some flicks from the period too,--The Graduate, Rosemary's Baby, Easy Rider, and Five Easy Pieces in particular--which is always enjoyable. The one I've most interested in is Bonnie & Clyde, a movie that, despite being a period piece, was really about the Baby Boomers. That's essentially what I'm trying to do in regard to my generation. That may be self-indulgent, or pretentious of me, but not if I succeed at it.


Anyway, I stayed up until about 7 am in the morning, and I probably should probably stop lounging in front of the computer now.

Until next time. . . .

Spring in San Francisco

Well, Spring semester is already halfway over. Having just gotten back from Spring break in Seattle, I'm really looking forward to May when I can go home and relax. Not that I'm not relaxing--I have five-day weekends.

More than that, this semester has gone by ridiculously fast. Four weeks ago, I spent the week outside of Modesto. I stayed in the boonies, with my cell phone gone (I had lost it on a stoop a few hours before leaving), and without an internet connection. I felt like Bruce Banner living off the grid. It was also one of the most boring trips in my life. Highlights include going to the hospital to see my sick grandma.

Three weeks ago, I spent the week in Los Angeles. There I spent my time with Nick and Jacob watching movies, driving around Los Angeles, and getting really, really intoxicated. That was . . . interesting. We watched all three Bourne flicks, which I had never viewed cohesively. After that, Nick introduced me to all four Rambo installments within a 24-hour time span. Great stuff.

The last two weeks or so I spent up at home. I pretty much just worked, hung out with Kyle, visited with Nick and Jamie a few times, and indulged in way too much food. Oh, and I went through a shit-load of gasoline. I should be ashamed.

And finally, this Saturday, my friends Ian and Jeremy are going to be visiting. Overall, I really haven't had a week where I'm not busy. Even when I'm here, I'm usually out doing shit with friends, which of course, is why I haven't bothered finding a job. I gotta say, as much as I'm away somewhere, San Francisco is a pretty awesome place to be.

Right now, however, I should be doing something productive. Yesterday, I had a fucking panic attack when I couldn't find my wallet on me. I sprinted around Brannan/Townsend trying to find it. Of course this happens right before a class is about to start. I caught a bus all the way to Sutter, continued my sprint towards my dorm to see if I might have just forgotten to take it in the morning. Sure enough, just as my class is starting, I find my wallet in my shorts. I always feel shitty after missing a class. And I feel shitty right now because it's almost one o'clock and I haven't done a goddamn thing.
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Going back to this Summer, I gotta say, it looks like it'll be everything Summer 2007 could've been but wasn't. I think I've found a practical way of paying off all my debt, as opposed to last Summer where I fell further and further into debt. I'll more than likely be making $20/hr on Nick's movie starting in August. The weather's going to be great. We got the 2008 Summer Olympics, which should be interesting. Uh . . . good weather I imagine. Oh, and the movies coming up sound really promising: Iron Man, Speed Racer, Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, The Incredible Hulk, The Happening, Wall-E, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, The Dark Knight, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Pineapple Express, and Tropic Thunder.

Yeah, Summer sounds nice. . . .